A day in the Life of a Relationship Counsellor.

A day in the Life of a Relationship Counsellor.

People often wonder what it’s like to be a Psychotherapist and what a workday is like. This is a description of an average day of mine (Tom) and although each day is different, it gives a flavour of what it’s like. The clients are made up, but the issues are what are often met in an average day;

6am. The alarm goes off and by 6.15am I’m having breakfast, then off to shower and get ready.

7.30am. Now in the office preparing for the morning clients. This includes refreshing my memory on what the previous sessions have been, planning for the morning, and printing off and handout sheets that might be needed.

8am The first clients arrive, Karl and Karla. This is their 6th session. They are in their late 40’s and since having children their relationship has deteriorated. I’m helping them see that the relationship before the children wasn’t as perfect as they see it in hindsight, that they communicated in an aggressive style, and both are poor at listening. We’ve been working on this and they are starting to develop a much more positive and helpful style. This session is helping them understand how their upbringing and the ‘attachment styles’ they developed when they were young are having a negative effect on their relationship. They leave with some tasks to do during the week which will help them understand this at a deeper level.

9am. The couple leave, quick notes are made, the drinking water replaced and then getting ready for the next clients.

9.20am A new couple, John and Jill arrive 10 minutes early. Although I might ask them to wait as I may not be ready, the female is in tears, so I ask them in. I have read their pre-session assessment form, so I know that John has recently had an affair. I settle them in, and we look at what has happened and how the therapy can help. Jill is full of hurt and pain, John shame and denial. We explore how both feel, what they both want and need, and at the end of the session, they decide to book further sessions. Although it’s been a session full of hurt and tears, they leave with some hope that this damage can be repaired and the relationship can move into its next stage, as it can never be what it was before the affair happened.

10.30. The couple leave and as there was so much information to take in, I make some bullet point notes. Then is a refreshment break and readying for the next client.

11am. Jane arrives. She is seeing me as her relationship was ended by her partner and she is struggling to cope. This is her third session and we are working through the loss and anger she feels.

11.50am The client leaves and I finish of the morning’s work and catch up with paperwork and some emails.

12.40pm to 1.30pm. A light lunch break and a 20 minutes’ walk around ‘the block.’

1.30pm to 3.30pm Admin, website management, blogs, emails and letters. This always takes longer than imagined.

3.30pm to 4pm. A cup of coffee and preparing for the next clients.

4pm. The next couple arrives. Dan and Debbie, a couple in their mid-twenties who are struggling after being together for 2 ‘good’ year since meeting each other. We are exploring how the limerence stage of a relationship ends. This is a stage where passion is high, sex plentiful and the partner is perfect, and being a chemical reaction in the brain, it fades in time, and how the deeper new relationship has to develop. We are looking at how to progress this.

5pm, the couple leave.

5.30pm. The new client arrives. This is a 65-year-old woman who wanted her partner to come into counselling, but he refused. She is exploring how to improve the relationship by seeing if she can filter into their marriage, the things she learns in the counselling.

6.30pm. The client leaves and I quickly get everything ready for the next couple.

6.45pm. This is the most difficult session of the day. Sam and Sally (both females) have a difficult relationship which involves volatile arguments and some mild violence. This is their 4th session and its hard work to manage the session so some positive progress can be made. They are still both in ‘it’s their partner’s fault’ mindset, so the progress is very slow.

7.45pm. The couple leave and I take out a few mindful moments to de-stress.

8.10pm. I have finished for the day, put away everything and lock the therapy room up. I now have a couple of hours of down-time before the end of the day.

Tomorrow is a new day!

Xmas

Christmas time can be a period which causes pressures and conflict within a relationship. Trying to manage different people’s expectations and traditions, having to deal with possible family members that you don’t always get on with, excitable children, and being together over the festive period without the distractions and escapes of work and hobbies, can be a possible recipe for disaster. At the Relationship Centre we often get a burst of couples just after the Xmas break due to the strain on the relationship.

To try and avoid the strain on the relationship, communication prior to the holidays can help avoid some of this. By sitting down and discussing how you feel about the holidays, your fears and your hopes, both of you can work together in making it as positive as possible. You might discuss;

• How to manage together, a difficult family member

• What you can both do when you feel flooded and need some quiet time to recharge

• How you are going to share the chores around the home over the holiday

• Who is responsible for different expectations around this period?

• Setting boundaries on spending on presents, food and drink etc, and/or spending time with other people and not the family etc

• Sharing the responsibility with the children

• How will you spend Xmas day?

• How will you find time to connect as a couple?

• What you can both do as a team if things do go wrong

By preparing and discussing, much of the stress within the relationship can be lessened and the holiday period enjoyed rather than dreaded.

Trust

Trust

Many couples regard trust as being whether they trust their partner not to have an affair, not to hurt them, or not to leave. But trust builds at much smaller levels. Dr John Gottman describes how trust can be built by moving towards your partner, rather than turning away. This can manifest itself in small moments where the trust can increase or be eroded. It might be when your partner sits next to you and sighs, and because you are watching the end of an enjoyable TV program, you chose to ignore it rather than inquire. This is a turn away, a chance of making an emotional connection missed, and it sends a signal that you’re not interested in your partner in that moment. It means at for them in those brief seconds, they don’t feel trusting that you have their back and nothing comes between them and you.

Although this is a small moment, and often missed by the couple, a stream of these small moments will erode the trust. The key to build trust at these small levels is to always notice and acknowledge your partner so they constantly feel you are turning towards them, and this makes them feel secure and wanted. 5:1 is a good ratio to work with. For every one time you make a break of contact in a negative way, you work hard at making 5 positive interactions with your partner, and in doing so increase the feeling between you that this relationship if the most important thing in the world.

Those Constant Conflicts

What to do when we have two different views?

For most couples, there are many times when a disagreement ends up being resolved, or if not, it’s possible to agree to disagree.

But some issues are fixed by two very strong and different views, and neither of the couple wants to back down as they feel their view is the valid and right one. This might be about finances, parenting, sex or the way the household should be run. We bring our own story into these views and because they feel so right, we just can’t let them go and accept another view. So how do you stop this type of conflict causing a problem in the relationship?

The secret is to change the way you are communicating. In situations like this, the normal style is a debating style, two people trying to show their view is the right one and why the other person should change. The problem is with a debating style is if both people are determined not to change, then it can become heated and ineffective. Just think of the USA style presidential debates. They often become a mud-slinging meeting, and neither person really listens to the other views.

The better style is the storyteller and journalist style. In this style, the storyteller is simply telling their story about the subject. This might be how they feel about it, why they think they have that view, where it might have developed (most times it’s our up-bringing) when they first remember having the view, what might happen to them as a person if they didn’t have it. It may not be easy to talk this way at first, so it needs practice, and you’re not trying to convince you’re right, instead, you’re just letting someone into your world around this subject.

The journalist can have an even harder time changing the normal default style. The journalist job is just to be interested in the story, not putting their own views over, not having to agree or disagree or think about their own thoughts and feelings on this, but just to get the story. They can ask questions to draw out more understanding and to have more information, so if they were going to write an article on this, it would really be able to express this other person’s inner world on this subject.

Once this part has finished, you take a 15-20-minute break and swap roles. In doing this, although the ‘problem’ doesn’t get fixed and it stays as one of those perpetual issues all relationships have, you both come away feeling you have been understood more, and you also have more understanding of your partner in this as you’ve been able to really listen. Sometimes that can be enough for some small compromises naturally happening.

Say What You Mean

Sometimes black can mean white….

We all think we say what we mean. But sometimes, this isn’t the case, and in arguments with our partner, this often happens. Our emotional brain hijacks our thinking and we end up not expressing ourselves fully, but instead let the feelings of hurt and anger drive our words. Here’s a number of examples we probably all recognise.

• The person whose partner is late back from an engagement says with anger, “you’re always late, you never think of anyone but yourself” but really wants to say, “ I was worried and I feel you don’t care about me, and it makes me feel insecure. Could you in the future just let me know if you’re going to be late so I know you’re thinking about me?”

• The person who gets defensive when their partner talks about having children says, “all you ever do is go on, I said we’ll talk about it some when” when really they want to say, “having children worries me and I find the subject hard to talk about.”

• The person who criticises their partner for what they wear on a night out with their friends is really saying, “I miss you and I wish we could go out more.”

By calming the emotions before speaking can mean your message gets through. So finding what soothes and calms you is an important part of making a better relationship, whether that’s a brief walk, a crossword, sport or just a few moments of deep breathing.

The calmer we are, the more our words impact in the right way.

Relationship Rituals

One way a couple can really connect is through rituals that are exclusive to their relationship. This might be a night with TV off and a game of Scrabble, going to the cinema together and eating popcorn, perhaps a meal out once a month at a favourite restaurant, or simply doing a crossword together.

Each couple will have shared likes, perhaps some more than others, but the shared likes are a bond between a couple, so making a ritual from these shared likes increases the closeness between partners. Many people see habits as boring and negative in their relationship, they want to spice it up, do different things and not fall into routine, but there is a difference between unfulfilling habits, to something the couple do together which they both look forward to, whether this is weekly or just once a year. From the Gottman blog it mentions;

Dr. John Gottman suggests that couples commit to a magic six hours a week together, which includes rituals for saying goodbye in the morning and reuniting at the end of the day. Sticking to these rituals will help you to reconnect when life gets in the way.

Think about what you can bring into your relationship as a strong and bonding ritual. Make it yours, something only you and your partner can do, and let it become a enjoyable of positive part of your life. Some suggestions might be;

• cook together on a Saturday night

• have a date night once a week/month

• sit and listen to those songs like you did when you were first together

• doing something daring once a month

• go for a long walk at the weekends

• go to that nightclub once a month

• order a take-away and watch some TV together.

And most importantly…..have some fun doing this!

The Eight Conversations That Matter Most in Relationships

John and Julie Gottman are a married couple of Psychologists/Psychotherapists who have studied couples for well over 40 years. The have developed a a science around relationships, in what works and what doesn’t to create a strong and positive relationship. The recently talked about the subjects which are difficult in couples to discuss and how masters of relationships are able to have these conversations to improve their relationship, where disaster relationships avoid them.

The list is below. Do/can you have these conversations with your partner around these topics to improve your relationship?

Trust and Commitment. Trust is cherishing each other and showing your partner that you can be counted on. Choosing commitment means accepting your partner exactly as he or she is, despite their flaws.

Conflict. Conflict happens in every relationship, and it’s a myth to believe that in a happy relationship you’ll get along all the time. Relationship conflict serves a purpose. It’s an opportunity to get to know your partner better and to develop deeper intimacy as you talk about and work through your differences.

Sex and Intimacy. Romantic, intimate rituals of connection keep a relationship happy and passionate. Couples who talk about sex have more sex, but talking about sex is difficult for the majority of couples—it gets easier and more comfortable the more you do it.

Work and Money. Money issues aren’t about money. They’re about what money means to each partner in a relationship. Discovering what money means to both of you will go a long way in resolving the conflicts you may have around money.

Family. Approximately two-thirds of couples have a sharp drop in relationship satisfaction shortly after a child is born, and this drop gets deeper with each subsequent child. To avoid this drop in relationship happiness, conflict needs to be low and you need to maintain your sexual relationship.

Fun and Adventure. Play and adventure are vital components to a successful and joyful relationship. It’s okay if you and your partner have different ideas about what constitutes play and adventure. The key is for you to respect each other’s sense of adventure and what it means to that partner.

Growth and Spirituality. The only constant in a relationship is change. The key is how each person in the relationship accommodates the growth of the other partner. Relationships can be more than just two individuals coming together—they can be stories of transformation and great contribution and meaning to the world.

Dreams. Honoring each other’s dreams is the secret ingredient to creating love for a lifetime. When dreams are honored, everything else in the relationship gets easier.

By having these conversations, you understand your partner more, and the relationship grows with the understanding.

Ending Relationships Too Soon?

If someone ask us at the Relationship Centre, what changes have you noticed over the years with your couples and the issues they bring into therapy, the one thing that stands out to us is how more and more we are seeing couples where at least one partner wants to end the relationship, not because of an affair, or because they have fallen out of love, but more because it doesn’t reach that 100% mark they expect from it at all times. They may admit that the relationship is 80% good, and yet they still say they feel a better relationship is out there somewhere for them, and they need to end this one. The statement often heard is, “I love my partner, but I’m not in love with them.” Really what they are saying is they don’t have the same feelings they had years ago. Before they had children, mortgages, lack of time and illness.

Where has this more modern approach come from? Of course, society has changed. Women especially now can leave a poor relationship rather than endure it as ‘their lot.’ There are other factors. We live in a very quick society now, we can order goods at a click of a button and it arrives the next day, we need information and no longer need to wait for our local library to open and then travel there, we simply search the internet and get an almost instant answer. In the workplace, through emails and modern software, the pace is so much faster, and things change almost daily. Our brains are starting to lose the ability to slow down and wait, it needs everything now, and it seems, that includes a good relationship. If it’s not good, why spend months or even years trying to make it better? Surely the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence?

But is it?

Why not make the grass your side as green and lush as you can?

We often say the grass your side, to be green and lush, needs care. The lawn needs feeding and weeding, it needs regular cutting and trimming. If you haven’t been doing this, no wonder the grass on the other side looks greener. But then if you jump the fence and neglect the grass that side in the same way, it will end up the same.

So perhaps the key to not making a mistake and ending the relationship prematurely, is to try and feed, nourish and care for your relationship and partner and to make it as healthy as possible, rather than assume something better is around the corner. If you try this and it’s still not right, then at least in the future you will avoid those feelings of guilt and regret.

So how do you do this?

Although different for each couple, it might be worth thinking how things were when you first met. How you treated and cherished your partner. How you wanted to do things for them, and you were interested in them and their world. Did you buy them presents when you were apart, did you take them breakfast in bed, buy them flowers, kiss their neck, whisper love messages into their ear? When you argued did this bother you and did you want to make up or apologise?

By trying to introduce this again, the feelings you had might return. Your relationship can never be that magical thing it was when you first met. That was a false bubble where life was put aside for a while and this can’t be maintained. But your relationship with work can mature, become something different but just as rewarding. It just needs work and time to achieve this and both partners need to try, but it can be done.

We often introduce different ways they can do this during their counselling.

At least then, you’ve done your very best. If it still not right, then you can end it knowing this, rather than ending it due to a lack of effort or know-how.

The legacy of our parents relationship.

When two people meet and then develop a relationship, they may not fully realise how their family history is going to play a big part in how their relationship develops. Sometimes we can be lucky, and the person we adore comes from a similar background to us, and for both people, their parents had similar relationships and values. But what happens when this is not the case?

It can cause problems later in the relationship when the early euphoric feelings settle, and the difference is noticed and starts to cause friction. One person feels that money and bank accounts should be jointly held by both, the other person is aggressively independent around ‘their’ finances. In another couple, one feels there should be very fixed roles around housework, the garden and the cooking. Another feels a more flexible shared role is better. For another couple, one has fixed ideas on parenting, the other has opposite views.

When couples come to us at The Relationship Centre, they present these problems as being their partners problem. They express that their partner just isn’t doing it right, and it’s them that needs to change! We help explore how for the pair of them, their role models in how to do a relationship was different, and when going into a their relationship, they have brought their parents ideas on how it should work.

Once they can start to explore this, and understand how the dynamics have been playing out, they have more chance of seeing how best to form their relationship, rather than copy their parents model, and hopefully they find a way that works for both of them.

So what parts of your legacy is acting out in your relationship?

Relationship Tip; Communication

Relationship Tip; Why communication is the key. Here at the Relationship Centre, we often see that couples who come to us have lost the art of communication. Let’s face it, it’s hard to communicate with your partner when you feel hurt, angry and unloved. We have to introduce a way that will allow them to start talking with each other, rather than at each other.

We ask them to try the communication tool below. It’s not easy at first, but we find couples get better at using it, and then suddenly they feel they are listened too, and feel more connected. This is a powerful way of developing a relationship, even when you feel there are little wrong with it.

Talk Only When Calm.

This approach can only work when both of you feel emotionally calm. If you decide to talk and one of you starts to feel angry/frustrated/sad, then it’s important that you have an agreement that if one of you feels this way, you take a ‘time-out.’

This should ideally be 30 to 60 minutes, or maybe you need the rest of the day, but you go away and do something that calms and soothes you, and then it’s important that you re-visit the conversation again (within 24 hours ideally) and re-visit as many times as you need to complete the conversation while you’re both feeling calm.

Step 1. Talk about your feelings. Use the word “I” rather than “you” and, your partner won’t feel attacked, criticised or blamed.

For example; “I’m feeling sad and angry……”

Step 2. Talk about the situation that has caused your feelings, again avoiding any blame towards your partner.

For example; “I’m feeling sad and angry because I thought you were arranging a night out, and I was looking forward to you doing it”

Step 3. Tell your partner what you need.

For example; “I’m feeling sad and angry because I thought you were arranging a night out, and not going out is the thing that’s made me feel this way. What I need is for you to understand my feelings and arrange a night out tomorrow?”

Rather than a harsh, critical statement, such as; “typical, I knew you would forget and not arrange anything, you’re useless, you make me so angry, you never think of me!”

The other partner needs to listen, without defending, or getting ready to have their say, but to summarise and validate with their response:

“I can appreciate that you’re angry, and I’m sorry that I forgot. I can hear that it’s important to you, and I will book a night out for tomorrow instead”

This can take practice, but the more you try the better you get!