Esther Perel, the well know author and speaker around relationships, often talks about the space between a couple that creates desire and a healthy sex life. Once this space is closed, the desire drops. Like a spark plug in a car can only spark if there is a gap between the bottom and core electrodes, close the gap and the spark doesn’t happen. This happens in relationships. Close the gap and the spark of desire stops.
So, what does this mean?
When we first meet, we spend some time apart. This creates mystery, a separateness, we can imagine and fantasise about our partner, think about who they are, the parts of them we don’t know yet, we can look at them from a distance, see them in their other life, and all this creates desire. The desire drives the sexual connection between you. When you meet up, this sexual energy between you transforms into physical closeness and wants, and creates the sexual energy between you.
But at some point, if your relationship develops, the needs of each partner changes. Now we need security, closeness, reliability, trustworthiness, and a gradual merging of two separates into one. Now your partner doesn’t have another life, it’s the life you live together and the mystery starts to drop. You no longer fantasise about what they might be wearing, what their day has been, when will you next see them. All this is now known and predictable. Add in the domesticity, child rearing, financial strain, and the merging of two different upbringings and views on life, slowly this closes the gap between you. As the gap closes, the relationship deepens, but the desire drops.
With Covid, this gap has closed even more. Often both partners have been working in the same home, have been sharing home learning for their children, and there’s been little space for life outside this bubble. Consequently, not only has the relationship struggled, but sex has been well and truly been put on the ‘we’ll look at that later’ shelve.
So how do you create that gap between you to allow a spark of desire to grow?
Date nights, separate interests and hobbies, doing things together outside of the norm, new experiences together, flirting with each other, these can all trigger more desire. Talking together about what does create a sexual desire in you, perhaps it’s being romanced, or your partner wearing sexy clothes etc can build on this.
Try stepping out of the safety of the core relationship to develop the spark again.