Understanding affairs is a difficult thing, as affairs themselves are so complicated. It would be easier for all involved if there was just one reason why an affair happened. “It was the sex, it was because I don’t love you, it was because I was lonely, it was the drink”
But it’s never this easy to understand an affair. The reason for it is made up of many different elements, some conscious and some unconscious. It doesn’t excuse the act, but trying to put as many pieces together as you can, hopefully, this will this give more understanding and meaning, which is important for the later stages of recovery.
One element of an affair is often the internal conflict of the human psyche, which creates a push/pull within the mind. We all need security and routine, but then at times we want difference and excitement. We all need feelings of safety, but at times feel stimulated by risk. At times we’re happy with our life, seeing our home and family, our hobbies and routines as comforting and pleasant, and yet at times we see all of this as mundane, and feel we are wasting our lives and should be doing something more/better.
For most people, their moral compass and value system is stronger than the psyche’s need to split away, but for others, just occasional, this factor plays a small part in their life. They drive too fast and over the speed limit, do dangerous extreme sports, they take drugs to feel out of control, even one day make be caught shop lifting, and from the outside, people who know them find it hard to understand the behaviour as it’s ‘not like them’ generally to be this way.
When we first commit to our romantic partner, the psyche is feeling excited by the newness of the relationship, but as the limerence stage fades away, and the domesticity of a relationship takes over, it starts to yearn to break away from all the rules and regulations of a relationship, and looks for an opportunity to split away from this life temporarily (it still wants the security of it in the long-term) and experience some form of risk/change. If an opportunity comes along to start an affair, it will jump at the possibility. To it, the secrecy, the risk, the newness, and the change is just as appealing as the affair person themselves. Of course, this is unconscious, so for both people having an affair, there is an unawareness that this is part of what’s happening.
The psyche still wants to security of the ‘other life’ at home, so separates the two so the person can break the rules without too much guilt. If the psyche allowed the two worlds to merge, the person having the affair may find it too difficult to continue and not give the mind what it seeks. Hence the reason for that unhelpful and hurtful statement by someone who is asked, “how could you do this to me/us?” and the answer, “I just didn’t think.”
This doesn’t excuse the affair, it doesn’t mean most people will end up having an affair (or drive dangerously, take drugs etc) as most of us stick to our principle and suppress this conflict in the mind, but for some, it’s part of what has happened in starting and continuing the affair..
This is only a small piece of the jigsaw and doesn’t make the complete picture. The aim is to add as many pieces as possible to see as much of the picture as you can.